Betrayal and self-betrayal: what they are and how to heal them

I have done several livestreams about betrayal, and each time the subject came from life. I did the first after crying for days over it. The second came after a day of sessions in which the same thing emerged for every person: self-betrayal.

And this is the key to the whole article. When we talk about betrayal, we think of the other person — the unfaithful partner, the friend who lied to you, the business partner who let you down. But the deepest wound is not what someone else did to you. It is the way you no longer trust yourself afterwards. And the way you often betray yourself, day after day, without even realizing it.

Below I explain what betrayal is, what the betrayal wound does, the forms of self-betrayal, and how to move beyond it.

What betrayal is

Betrayal means that a bond of trust is broken. You trusted someone, and that trust was broken. As simple and as painful as that.

It can take many forms:

• Lying — someone tells you one thing and does another.
• Infidelity — a fidelity agreement was ‘signed’ within the relationship, and it was violated.
• Manipulation — the other person knows they are hurting you and does it consciously.
• Abandonment.
• Any unfulfilled commitment. And here is an important detail: the commitment may be clear and spoken, or it may be tacit. Betrayal of a tacit commitment may hurt even more, because nothing was clearly stated.

Every relationship rests on a ‘deal’: you love me, I love you; you give me attention, I give you attention. When that agreement breaks down, you feel betrayed.

The closer the person, the more it hurts. That is why betrayal by a parent is the hardest. A child, especially before the age of seven, cannot conceive of their own mother betraying them, so they take everything upon themselves. They then carry the consequences into all their adult relationships. I wrote more about this in the article on lack of self-confidence and how to release it.

What the betrayal wound does inside you

You lose trust in others — and yourself

The main consequence, the one that distinguishes betrayal from other emotional wounds, is loss of trust. This part you can see: ‘That is it, they betrayed me in business, friendship, or love. I put up my shield and closed my heart.’

But there is another impact you do not see. Somewhere in the unconscious, you lose trust in yourself — in your ability to discern what is happening around you and read reality. This is very subtle and very destructive, because it then spreads throughout your life: you no longer dare to do certain things, and you do not even know why.

In relationships with a narcissist, this is precisely what is at stake: that you stop trusting people. And that is only a reflection of the fact that you have lost trust in yourself and your connection to your soul.

The spiral: fear of betrayal makes you betray yourself

Here is the trap. ‘Rather than be betrayed in love, I would rather not get involved again.’ You are afraid of being betrayed, so you stop doing certain things. But when you stop doing them, you betray yourself. And the cycle repeats.

Or the other version: consciously or unconsciously, you are afraid of being betrayed — and this is exactly what you transmit vibrationally. That is why we work to bring these mechanisms out of the unconscious. When they become conscious, you can see them and stop repeating them.

People close to me betrayed me over money, and afterwards working felt painfully uncomfortable. The association money = betrayal had formed in my mind. So I was betraying myself by no longer making money.

The scratched record

Betrayal can leave you stuck in time, like a scratched record: you have your song to sing, but the needle gets stuck and goes ‘scratch, scratch’. Obsessive thoughts appear: why did I not see it, why did they do this to me? The other person has rebuilt their life, while you may stay stuck there for ten years.

The emotions that follow betrayal

• Anger — the first and most natural emotion, because an injustice was done to you. Some people become absorbed in anger and end up hurting others in turn.
• The feeling of injustice and powerlessness — the other side: you move into the victim role.
• Sadness, once you begin processing.
• Fear and shame, especially when betrayal involved violence.
• Guilt — ‘it is my fault, it is my fault’.

All these keep you at low vibrations, and from there you cannot manifest anything. In its most severe forms, betrayal can bring anxiety, insomnia, isolation, or a compulsive search for external validation. If you recognize yourself here — you cannot sleep, you have lost interest in everything, or you have dark thoughts — do not stay alone: speak to a doctor, psychologist, or psychotherapist.

How you can tell betrayal is coming

I once read a study about how people behave before betraying someone: the person about to betray you knows they will hurt you and, to compensate, is very nice beforehand. I have checked this in business, and it applies in relationships too. When someone flatters me excessively, I quickly become skeptical.

With a narcissist, the pattern is the same: everything is perfect at first, and they shower you with compliments. An ordinary person says good things to you but also offers criticism. Be careful about looking for the perfect person after betrayal in love too: the person with the perfect mask is often the one you need to watch out for.

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What self-betrayal is

Self-betrayal means behaviors, choices, and attitudes through which you give up your values, your needs, and yourself. The problem is that most of the time it is completely unconscious. Of all the psychological mechanisms I have examined, these seem the hardest to see.

Where does it come from? Childhood. A child does something because that is what they feel, but their parents do not accept it and suppress it. To belong, the child betrays their need. Nobody taught us not to betray ourselves; the tribal program taught us the opposite. A few hundred years ago, if you did not do as the community said, you could be expelled — and no longer belonging practically meant death.

And something I tell everyone: when you betray yourself, the people around you will betray you too. ‘I do not betray anyone; how is it that everyone betrays me?’ Because you betray yourself, on the same issue or a different one. The outside mirrors what is within.

Forms of self-betrayal

Here are the ones I encounter most often, in my life and in livestreams:

• You say ‘yes’ when it is ‘no’. Out of habit, to be accepted. And a fog forms in your mind: you no longer know when your ‘yes’ is true.
• You tolerate abuse, neglect, and disrespect. If you grew up with them, they seem normal to you, and you attract people who treat you the same way. But you do not remain a victim of childhood for your whole life.
• You stay somewhere that does not align with your values. If you dislike lying but stay in a group where people lie constantly, you betray yourself. If you need hugs and the other person does not give you any, you betray yourself every day you stay there.
• You ignore your intuition. I made the good decisions in my life through intuition and the bad ones through my mind. When I got married, my mind told me: ‘He does not drink or smoke; it is fine.’ My intuition told me something else.
• You constantly compare yourself with others. Everyone came with their own gifts. If you turn apples into pears, you no longer have apples.
• You suppress your needs. You want to go to the seaside, your partner wants the mountains, and you go to the mountains even though you do not like them. Over time, this leads to exhaustion.
• ‘I am good, I am a good little girl.’ Being good does not mean sacrificing yourself until you cannot go on.
• You criticize yourself. ‘I am stupid.’ Your inner voice becomes an enemy. And other people can love you only as much as you love yourself.
• You abandon your dreams. I left home at fourteen to go to high school, even though my mother suggested I stay longer. I said: ‘I want to learn.’ Otherwise I would have betrayed myself very deeply. Since childhood, I also believed ‘I cannot paint’ — today I paint. As an adult, you can rewrite what you accepted as absolute truth in childhood.
• You stay silent when you need to speak. The mask attracts people who love the mask — and then you feel alone.
• You do not value your work. I was once a sales manager paid like a salesperson. Life knocked me to the ground so I would learn to value myself; since then, I have no longer ‘sold myself cheaply’.
• Procrastination. I make myself a weekly list; I allow myself to postpone things, but what needs doing gets done.
• You exhaust yourself for your children. For years, I did not eat when I was hungry, because they always needed something. Until I said: ‘Wait a little, I need to eat too.’ And I saw that I give much better once I am well myself. The order is: God, you, your children, then everyone else.

What emerged in the livestream representations

In a family constellations livestream, we worked through mini representations on the question ‘How do I betray myself?’. Each participant received something different, and the variety of forms was striking:

• Fear — for the first time, I saw fear as a form of self-betrayal: when you live in fear, you trust neither yourself nor God.
• ‘I buy love’ — you betray yourself in relationships in order to be loved.
• The need for peace and harmony — you sacrifice yourself so that there is never any conflict, yet harmony still does not come. A costly pattern that I am still learning about myself.
• Taking on too much responsibility — the child given responsibility too early becomes the adult who takes every bullet.
• Eating — you cover up with food the emotions you do not want to feel.
• The horse pulling the cart — you work more for others than for yourself.

If you want to understand how these representations work, read the article on family constellations: what they are and how they work. We also work on these subjects in the weekly working group with constellations and release practices.

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How to get over betrayal: the steps

1. Accept what happened. Without blaming anyone or beating yourself up. Guilt keeps you down and makes you repeat things. The more strongly you reject something, the more you attract it.
2. Remember that it is not primarily about you. What someone else does belongs to them. The exception is a child, who takes everything upon themselves — which is why, as an adult, you have work to do here.
3. Ask ‘how’, then ‘why’, then ‘for what purpose’. The answer to ‘why’ is usually found in ‘how’. But do not stay there: ask yourself for what purpose you experienced this and what lesson it brought. When a business partner took part of my business, I told myself: better to learn the lesson now than when I have much more to lose. And I asked myself why I had continued even though there were signs.
4. Do not cut yourself off from your emotions. If you block the experience instead of processing it, you will manifest it in another way.
5. Forgiveness comes at the end, not the beginning. I am not a fan of jumping straight to ‘that is it, I have forgiven everyone’. Forgiveness is first of all toward yourself and comes after inner work. Then you become detached: it was a film, you learned your lesson, and you move on.
6. Do not isolate yourself. The fact that someone betrayed you does not mean everyone is a betrayer.
7. Transform the pain. Emotions are energy. I transformed anger into work and money, and I painted sadness with tears flowing.
8. Change your environment. You cannot heal in the environment where you became ill. Sometimes, no longer betraying yourself means changing the people you spend time with.

Exercise: map your self-betrayal

I suggest what I also suggested to the people in the livestream:

1. Feel in your body what self-betrayal feels like. I know I have reached my ‘quota’ when I begin to feel suffocated in a group of people. Then I know I have already said too many ‘yeses’.
2. Make a list of your forms of self-betrayal. Write down where you recognize yourself in the list above.
3. Write down your values. So you can recognize where you betray them.
4. Catch yourself in daily life. We all know the theory; the real exercise is catching yourself at the moment you do it.
5. At least acknowledge it. If you are in a relationship, business, or job where you are not well, tell yourself: ‘I am abusing myself.’

Pay attention to words: ‘I cannot, I do not know, I hope’ set reality in concrete. Manifestation happens through focused energy and action. Whatever you work on through my channel is worth nothing if you do not apply it in your life.

If you experienced betrayal that involved violence or abuse, or that keeps you afraid, seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist; if there is also a legal issue, seek help from a lawyer.

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Watch the livestream about self-betrayal

For an in-depth discussion of the betrayal wound, also watch the livestream Betrayal — what it is and how we heal it, and for the mini constellation representations, the livestream How do I betray myself? Mini exercises.

Frequently asked questions about betrayal

What is betrayal?

Betrayal is the breaking of a bond of trust. It may take the form of lying, infidelity, manipulation, abandonment, or an unfulfilled commitment — whether clearly spoken or tacit. The closer the person, the more it hurts.

What does betrayal in love mean?

In a relationship, there is always an agreement: we love each other, give each other attention, and are faithful. When it is violated through infidelity, lying, or manipulation, betrayal arises. You then carry the wound into subsequent relationships: either you no longer want love, or you seek the ‘perfect person’ — who is often the person with the best mask.

What is self-betrayal?

These are the choices and behaviors through which you give up your values and needs to be accepted: you say ‘yes’ when it is ‘no’, stay silent, tolerate disrespect, ignore your intuition, criticize yourself, and sell yourself cheaply. Most of the time, it is unconscious and comes from childhood.

How do you get over betrayal?

You accept what happened without guilt, remember that it is not primarily about you, ask yourself ‘for what purpose’ you experienced it, process your emotions, avoid isolating yourself, and transform the pain into something useful. Forgiveness comes at the end, after inner work, and is first directed toward yourself.

Can the betrayal wound heal?

Yes, it can be worked on: through awareness, changing your environment and choices, and release practices and constellations. If the wound brings anxiety, insomnia, or dark thoughts, also speak to a doctor, psychologist, or psychotherapist.

Choose yourself. Not instead of others, but before them. Sending you a kiss, and I look forward to seeing you at the next livestream.