Our societies condition us to have no boundaries. Giving, doing, and helping without limits are valued — even against your own interests, in the hope of being loved. This is how the mechanisms of people pleasing are born. And yet, healthy boundaries are among the most important things you can learn in this life. I always say: psychologically, we do not truly exist as long as we do not know how to say ‘no’.
And that ‘no’ begins first of all with the mother: an emotionally mature mother cuts the cord at some point so the child can develop normally. If the mother did not cut it, you must cut it yourself. Very many of us, though we are 30, 40, 50, or 60, are still dependent on our mothers.
Below I explain why this is so hard, the signs showing you lack boundaries, and how to set them in practice — with the phrases I use.
What healthy boundaries mean
Boundaries are an act of self-respect. When you have no boundaries, you do not respect yourself. It is that simple.
We often do not set boundaries out of a certain naivety: we believe everyone is like us. But that is not so. Some people manipulate to receive things and feed on others. And if you have no boundaries, you become someone’s slave — at work, but also at home. Not setting boundaries puts you in danger.
There is also the temptation to act like an ostrich: bury your head in the sand and set no boundary, then feel like a victim: ‘this was done to me’. Let us be clear — it was not done to us. We did it to ourselves.
I once read an image from a psychologist that stayed with me: we are like hedgehogs. If we stay too close to each other, we prick each other; if too far apart, we get cold. Boundaries are like that too. If you have no boundary at all, everyone pricks you.
Boundaries are not selfishness
We have been conditioned to confuse boundaries with selfishness. But when you do good deeds from a place of sacrificing yourself, there is nothing positive there. It is not dharma; it is karma. I see it through a cup: if my cup is full, I can give others even 25 hours out of 24. If yours is not full, first fill yourself. Give from your abundance, not from emptiness.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries can be emotional, physical, mental, material, and time-related. We usually discuss them in relation to the outside, but the solution is mainly within: you with yourself.
- Boundaries with yourself. If a part of you — the inner child, mind, wounded part — takes over everything, love it but tell it to stay in its place. I sometimes tell my mind: ‘Dear mind, please leave room for the soul. I understand you worry about me, but this is too much.’ It is the same with the inner critic — the voice of your parent from when you were little with which you whip yourself all day. What you do to yourself manifests in reality: you find someone who does the same to you.
- Material boundaries. I did not realize I had no boundaries with my mother until I was 35 and began making changes. Only then did I see I was giving her 600–700 euros a month through various kinds of help, without realizing it. Keep accounts: know where the money goes. And with loans: saying ‘no’ from the beginning is much simpler than saying ‘yes’, then chasing the money with the friendship ruined. When a friend asked me to take out credit in my own name for her phone, I asked myself: is this a friendship, or what kind of relationship is it?
- Your home. If anyone enters and leaves your home however they want, do not be surprised you feel unwell. You are an adult, and it is your home.
- Your time. If others determine your schedule, you have a boundary problem.
- Your body. Your body belongs to you and you alone. If you do not want to be kissed or hugged, especially by strangers, you have every right to say ‘no’.
People pleaser: the crumbs under the table
Visually, I see people pleasing like this: imagine a large party with a long table full of food, steaming cabbage rolls, and empty seats. But you do not love yourself enough, so you crawl under the chairs on all fours gathering crumbs. And there is another shadow: ‘I do good, so I am somehow superior’. There is nothing wrong with helping, but constantly, to your own detriment, is not all right. If it worked, you would feel good.
In the representation livestreams about the imbalance of giving, I also saw that the basic pattern is often ‘I do not deserve it’ or ‘I must do; I do not know how to be’. And then you buy love — with gifts, money, work. Balanced people feel bought when you do this too much, and you risk attracting takers. There must always be a balance between giving and receiving. When you give too much, you become drained — of energy, of yourself. This has a name: self-betrayal.
The deepest wound appears in people who gave and gave until, at some point, they burst out: ‘Fine, but when do I receive?’ That is why we must learn to express ourselves in a relationship. Put the other person to work too: if the relationship is healthy, it will adjust.
I want the release practices for the inner child →
Signs that you lack healthy boundaries
- You are exhausted, frustrated, and feel invaded by others’ needs and behavior. It is not about others; it is about your boundaries.
- You no longer feel like yourself. People who left relationships with narcissists often say: ‘I was no longer myself.’
- Your self-esteem falls — ‘I do not matter’, ‘nobody sees or hears me’.
- You reach burnout.
- You shout. Often, women who yell do too much for others, and their boundaries have not been respected.
- You attract people who respect no boundaries. If you attracted narcissists, this is usually the underlying matrix.
Without boundaries, you actually have a toxic relationship with yourself: you do not respect your identity and let others override you. If you have experienced an abusive or manipulative relationship and feel overwhelmed, do not stay alone with it: seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Why setting boundaries is so difficult
- We fear displeasing people and no longer being loved.
- We are not used to expressing our needs and feel guilty when we do — because when we had needs, the door was closed on us.
- Our upbringing and environment viewed setting boundaries wrongly, or we were punished when we tried.
- We are used to dynamics of control and emotional abuse. If you had very controlling parents or now have a controlling partner, ask yourself: at what point did I accept not being free?
- Guilt towards the lineage. When you begin setting boundaries with the family that shaped you, you will feel guilt. It is normal, but it does not necessarily belong to you. For the mother aspect, I created the complete release practices with the mother.
And there is something else: boundaries are very subconscious. You see clear abuse. But often you do not even see boundaries — what happens now replays an early attachment. Someone who grew up hearing insults at home may stay beside a person who insults them because subconsciously it feels ‘normal’. It helps to observe people without your wound and learn how they reposition themselves.
If fear of rejection or abandonment keeps you stuck, also look at the release practices for anxious attachment. And I wrote about the connection between boundaries and self-esteem in the article on lack of self-confidence.
How to set boundaries: practical steps
- Identify your needs and values. Behind every place where you set no boundary are unmet needs. Ask yourself: is this the only way I can meet my need?
- Ask your body: how do I feel? Angry, guilty, calm?
- Make a list: what is all right for me and what is not, how much I can tolerate.
- Establish your priorities. Why must I, as an adult, sit and listen to insults? Stop.
- Let the adult within you take the reins. The inner child may say ‘perhaps they will change’. Tell it: ‘I understand, inner child, that you want to be loved. I love you and am working on this. But I do not accept this kind of behavior.’
- Be clear and direct, and do not justify yourself. When you justify yourself, you signal weakness — and those wanting to take advantage sense it immediately.
- State the boundary and stay silent. This is the key. If after the boundary sentence you begin ‘blah blah blah’, the energy goes to the other person. If you speak and stay silent, you draw your energy back.
- Set boundaries calmly. There is no need to argue. And be prepared to do exactly what you said — especially with children, who test you countless times. Boundaries must be consistent: you do not only state them; you act on them.
- Practice self-compassion. ‘A part of me feels guilty, but today I chose myself. I no longer only please others.’
- Set them from the beginning. With new employees, I was very firm from day one; then I could relax. It is the same in a couple: a partner once taught me to establish what was non-negotiable for each of us from the start, and it was very useful. Unexpressed expectations guarantee arguments.
- Establish operating rules. At my home it is simple: when I meditate, nobody enters the room. When someone sleeps, you do not disturb them. At a restaurant together, we do not stay on our phones.
- Stop ‘little by little’. Often the bulldozer does not come all at once: a little today, a little tomorrow. Wherever you set your boundary, that is where it stops.
- Do not let yourself be rushed. Those who overstep your boundaries usually arrive in a hurry so you act without thinking. Say: ‘I will think about it.’ I wrote about these mechanisms in detail in the article on manipulation techniques.
And you do not need to create conflict every time. Sometimes you can simply distance yourself when you see someone does not match what you need.
The art of saying ‘no’: phrases you can use
- ‘I do not accept being spoken to like that. If you continue, I will stop talking with you.’ — and genuinely stop talking.
- For inappropriate jokes: ‘It is not funny, it does not make me laugh, and I ask you to stop.’ Then stay silent.
- ‘I cannot; I have something else planned.’ Without explanations.
- ‘I do not like you being so close to me.’
- When a discussion is too much: ‘We can return to this discussion later. It is too much for me right now.’ You are not obliged to have it then.
- For ‘if you loved me, you would do this’: ‘That is emotional blackmail. It does not work with me.’
I want an individual session with Cristina →
What happens after you set boundaries
When you set boundaries, especially if you have not before, negative reactions appear. The three most common are: anger, emotional blackmail, and guilt-tripping. Remain calm and centered, and do not justify yourself.
The people who fed on you will often leave on their own. And that is all right. Over time, you will be able to set boundaries without others getting upset.
Be careful during the transition: you risk moving from victimhood to the opposite extreme — ‘I helped you so much; now I help nobody’ — or becoming aggressive or controlling, still from a wounded part. Setting boundaries does not mean being aggressive. I admit I too may have set them too strongly at first. We learn and forgive ourselves.
And be gentle with yourself: it is said that changing a habit takes around 21–30 days. The old pattern will try to return. It is hardest when leaving a long relationship with a narcissist: the mind knows everything, but the inner child activates strongly because it relives abandonment pain. Your adult part must give it love so it calms down. If it overwhelms you, support from a psychologist or psychotherapist can help greatly.
How to free yourself from guilt
- Check your assumptions. ‘This is how we do things in our family’ — but is it the only way? Are there other, better ways?
- Look at the consequences. Has pleasing everyone and putting yourself last helped you? Does it work, yes or no?
- Accept that you cannot please everyone. When someone asks you to be something other than yourself, they do not love you as you are.
- Your needs are valid — especially if they were not validated in childhood.
- Change your perspective on guilt. Perhaps it is loyalty to your parents. Or to your old version, to which you are still attached. Have compassion for that too.
And remember: children do what parents do, not what they say. They need boundaries to grow safely, and if you have no boundaries, neither will they.
Follow the livestream with me
If you want to listen to everything I shared about boundaries, with the examples and questions from the livestream, play the recording below.
I also discussed the imbalance of giving more than you receive in the livestream ‘Why Are You the Other Person’s ATM?’.
Frequently asked questions about healthy boundaries
What are healthy boundaries?
They are the limits through which you say what is acceptable to you and what is not — emotionally, physically, mentally, materially, and with your time. They are an act of self-respect that protects you from manipulation and exhaustion.
Does setting boundaries mean being selfish?
No. We were conditioned to confuse boundaries with selfishness. Give from your abundance: first fill your cup, then you can give peacefully.
How do you say ‘no’ without feeling guilty?
Say it clearly and directly, without excuses or justifications, then stay silent. Guilt is normal at first. Tell yourself: ‘A part of me feels guilty, but today I chose myself.’ Check whether the old way truly helped you.
What does being a people pleaser mean?
It means pleasing everyone, even at your own expense, in the hope of being loved. Behind it are usually patterns such as ‘I do not deserve it’, often coming from the relationship with parents.
Why do people get upset when I start setting boundaries?
Because they are not used to it. The most common reactions are anger, emotional blackmail, and guilt-tripping. Remain calm and firm.
How do I set boundaries with my parents?
Start with yourself: see where you have not yet cut the cord — materially, emotionally, in your decisions. Guilt towards the family is normal, but does not belong to you. Set the boundary calmly and with love.
Be gentle with yourself and set boundaries with love. Let us prioritize ourselves. Sending you a kiss, and I look forward to seeing you at the next livestream.
Personal boundaries: how to express what you can accept
A personal boundary says what you can offer, what you accept, and what you will do in a situation. It is not a command guaranteeing someone else’s behavior. ‘Never raise your voice again’ asks the other person to change; ‘I stop the discussion when shouting begins and return when we can speak’ describes an action you can choose.
A boundary describes your choice
Boundaries can concern time, money, conversations, or personal space. You do not have to wait until exhausted to express them. Sometimes it is enough to say from the start how much time you have available.
Use words that can be understood
Choose a situation and avoid explanations about the person’s character. ‘I cannot take on this task before Friday’ is clearer than ‘Everyone takes advantage of me’. A precise sentence also helps negotiation: there may be another deadline or another division of the task.
If you wish, you can offer an option you can sustain. ‘I can help for half an hour’ is a different agreement from ‘I will do everything’. Do not offer an alternative simply to cancel your own refusal.
What you do after stating the boundary
Observe the response and remain consistent in your chosen action. A person may be disappointed without your boundary being wrong. You can listen to the reaction without automatically reopening negotiation.
If you fear threats or violence, do not treat the situation as a simple communication exercise. Seek support and put safety before confrontation. For an ordinary conversation, first practice the sentence in writing and choose a time when you have the resources to sustain it.
Frequently asked question
Must I explain every refusal at length? No. A short explanation can be enough if you wish to offer one.
Continue with a resource suited to your theme
If you want to continue reflecting with Adevăr și Lecuire materials, consult Complete Release Practices with the Mother – Relationship with the Mother (PDF). Read the description and what it includes before buying, then choose a time when you can use the material at your own pace.
Also explore the available materials and the Adevăr și Lecuire articles.
