Toxic relationship: why you give more than you receive and become the other person’s ‘ATM’

Why, as a woman, do you end up supporting a man? Why do you pay, buy the gifts, maintain the household, and carry everything on your back? I devoted a whole livestream to this theme because it appeared everywhere that week, in almost every conversation. And very often the answer is not in the person before you. It is in Mom and Dad — in emotional wounds you carry. From those wounds, you begin buying love.

I will be clear from the start: one characteristic of a toxic relationship is one person consistently giving and doing much more than the other. It is not the woman’s role to support the household, and it is not your role to buy love with money, gifts, or endless work. These themes do not belong only to women — anyone can end up in this position.

Below I explain what emerged in the livestream representations and what you can do in practice to restore balance.

What a toxic relationship is, viewed through the balance of giving and receiving

A healthy relationship has a balance between giving and receiving. We do not weigh up every day who did more — but if, over the long term, there is a major imbalance, it is not all right.

Everything enters into this balance: material and nonmaterial things. Money, housework, caring for children, but also emotional support. Who listens? Who holds everything together when things are hard? That has value too.

On the other hand, nobody says you should become dependent on the other person. That is another, even more toxic area. We are talking about sharing, not placing the entire burden on the other person.

Signs that you are the other person’s ‘ATM’

From what people who joined the livestream told me, the signs of a toxic relationship like this look something like this:

• You give more gifts than you receive and pay more — even when your income is not high.
• You work more, bring in more, and maintain the household. On top of that, you do all the work at home too.
• He does the pleasant tasks; you do the hard ones.
• You feel a weight on your back, as though carrying someone. You carry the whole extended family on your shoulders.
• If you do not think about the rent, bills, and everything else, nobody does.
• You keep pressure on the other person to do something, and that pressure tires you too.
• You receive no thanks. And you have come to function like a robot, out of inertia.
• You are exhausted and irritable, and in the end you are still the ‘bad’ one, the tired one who feels like doing nothing, while the other person is rested.

You know the saying: too kind, too foolish. When you give everything, the other person gets used to it — and naturally finds it comfortable.

Why ‘buying love’ attracts toxic partners

I told the first person in the livestream directly: buying love is not okay. Here is why.

Balanced people feel bought when you do this too much, and withdraw. Instead, the likelihood increases greatly of attracting takers, abusers, and narcissists — people who find being supported very convenient. If you want to understand this profile better, I wrote at length about narcissism: signs and toxic behaviors.

And there is something else: even if you are young and energetic now, over the long term you become drained. When we give too much, we end up drained — of energy, of ourselves, completely.

What emerged in representations: where the imbalance comes from

In the livestream I did representations for each person, asking ‘Why do I support the man?’ or ‘Why do I give more than I receive in relationships?’ Almost every time, the wound led to the mother — and sometimes to the father or lineage. Here are the patterns that emerged.

1. ‘I do not deserve it’

For the first person, the thought ‘I do not deserve it’ emerged, along with love received from the mother conditionally. When you are used to conditional love, even if unconditional love comes, you cannot receive it. You have to give back, pay, to reproduce what you know. But why should you not deserve it? You deserve it. And the other person must make an effort too, not just you.

2. ‘I must do. I do not know how to be.’

For another participant, the pattern ‘I do, do, do’ emerged. Her mother set the table, cleared it, worked constantly in the home — plus a job, plus children. What we saw at home is what we do. It is a very toxic pattern many of us carry and today’s society demands of us. But we do not have to accept it, because we end up drained.

3. Fear of abandonment

For one participant, a clear pattern emerged: she feared being left and reduced that risk by bringing in a lot of money. Fear positioned her lower, and she chose according to him, rather than him according to her. We do many things from unconscious fears: that he will find another woman, cheat on you, or leave you. All relate to self-esteem. If she were grounded in herself, she would know that someone cheating is not the end of the world.

I want the release practices for fear of abandonment →

4. ‘The woman is less than the man’ — an ancestral pattern

For one person, patterns resembling bondage emerged: the man orders, she does, she feels smaller and with fewer rights. It is not the idea that the woman is ‘more stupid’, but that her words carry less weight. It is a subconscious ancestral pattern flowing in the blood even if consciously you have educated yourself differently. Ancestral themes are worked on in constellations — individually or in a group. If you feel something within you is older than you, I also offer the ancestral karma release practices.

5. Duty

For someone else, the word ‘duty’ emerged: ‘this is my duty as a woman’. Some women make themselves doormats because they were conditioned that way at home, usually by the mother.

6. Control

For one participant, it emerged that she was used to being controlled — I actually felt reins, like a horse pulling a cart. The control came from the father. Naturally, the unhealed wound repeats: we marry the wound and call it love, because these are energies we are used to. Control also has ‘advantages’ we do not see: I do not take responsibility, do not want to be seen, do not want independence, and prefer the other person to decide.

7. ‘I have had enough’

One participant burst into tears in the representation: she saw herself crying over a pot of soup, utterly fed up and exhausted, never receiving thanks. There, the first step was not another analysis but rest.

Social pressure: the woman who must do everything

A hundred years ago the woman was a homemaker, but did not also have a job and earn more than the man. There was some degree of balance. Today some families have a woman who earns more, comes home, does all the work, cares for the children on every front — and on top of that must be beautiful, available, and fresh. It is impossible.

There is enormous pressure on the feminine, which we as women have allowed and sometimes even demanded, following the mother’s model. And women doing this often judge those who take time for themselves. Being a woman requires time — to look in the mirror and care for yourself. And you must not be the only one bringing in the money for that time.

The limiting belief ‘men are lazy’ also returned in the livestream. But ask yourself honestly: is it laziness, or that we allow it with ‘never mind, I will do it, I will do it’? There are two people there, not one. If women stopped accepting this, things would readjust.

Self-betrayal: when you make the other person your God

When you give too much and drain yourself, this has a name: self-betrayal. Nobody taught us. For me, the order is: first God, then you, your children, and only then the partner. Once you place the other person above everyone, you make them your god — and it is only a matter of time before the boomerang returns.

I want the complete release practices with the mother →

How to leave an ‘I give, you take’ toxic relationship

Here is what I told the people in the livestream, step by step:

1. Stop. Next time you feel like giving without measure, stop. It is not okay to consistently give more, all the time.
2. Stop doing everything. Have the other person do things too. If the relationship is not toxic, it eventually adjusts: ‘you do this, I do this’.
3. Set boundaries — starting with yourself. The other person will not come along on their own saying ‘let me do it’. And the more you have accustomed them to it, the harder it will be. I wrote about setting boundaries in practice in the article on healthy boundaries and how to say ‘no’ without guilt.
4. Respect is asserted, not begged for. The person making a scene and shouting achieves little. The rule is simple: you want something, I want something too; you give to me, I give to you.
5. Delegate. Some household tasks can be paid for. I have no time to clean and am a perfectionist, so I pay someone. Who said we have to work ourselves to death?
6. Pool the money. If the other person does not handle bills, they should at least contribute money, while you manage it. But the money must come from both sides.
7. Ask yourself what you receive in return. If a situation where you support the other person lasts a very long time, it is unsustainable. Ask yourself fairly: what does the other person give for what you give? Otherwise, you are buying love.
8. Work at the root. Ultimately, everything leads to the original triangle: mother, father, and inner child. What you saw between Mom and Dad is what you do. For this, I use release practices and constellations on the relationship with the mother or father — individual work is enough; it does not have to be in a group. You can also work on healing the inner child.
9. Rest. If you are at the end of your strength, the first step is rest, not another effort.
10. Have the courage to leave if necessary. This takes courage — to speak up and leave the relationship.

One participant told us how she left a marriage where she supported everything and afterwards needed a long time to heal. She worked on herself, learned to love and respect herself, and things look completely different in her second marriage. Her message to the girls: if someone does not respect themselves, they will not respect you either.

Important: if your relationship involves physical violence, threats, or abuse, your safety comes first. In immediate danger, call 112. For support, you can call the free Romanian domestic violence victims’ helpline, 0800 500 333. Seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist and, for legal matters, a lawyer. Spiritual work can support you but does not replace protection and professional help.

And if it is hard to tell whether you are being manipulated into giving ever more, also read about manipulation techniques and how to recognize them.

Why not to delay

I have noticed that younger people, under 30, work on these patterns much more easily. Many arrive very aware that they come from toxic families. The trauma is not yet rigid. The more time passes, the more you function on the same ‘record’, and that pathway strengthens. Afterwards it is harder and hurts more.

A child is like fresh clay: you can make a little pot, plate, or vase from it. A child raised with much control becomes an adult afraid of risks and often chooses a controlling partner — because this is what they know. To become something else, that original pattern must be dismantled. It hurts, but it is the road to who you truly are.

I took stock some time ago and asked myself honestly: how much of the real Cristina have I lived? I began deep work on myself at around 35 and, honestly, my life lived for myself began only then. What came before was preparation. So ask yourself too: whose life are you living? When you live others’ lives, you drain yourself, and that extreme fatigue does not come from nowhere.

And think of your children. Would you want them to suffer as you do? The only way your child can do better is for you to give a different example from your mother’s or father’s — not in opposition, but constructively.

I want an individual session with Cristina →

Watch the livestream about toxic relationships

If you want to see the representations and all the themes that emerged, play the livestream below:

Frequently asked questions about toxic relationships

What is a toxic relationship?

One main characteristic of a toxic relationship is imbalance: one person consistently gives and does far more than the other over the long term — money, gifts, housework, childcare, emotional support. We do not weigh things daily, but a major, lasting imbalance is not normal.

What are signs that I give more than I receive in a relationship?

You give more gifts, pay more, support the household and do the housework too, while handling the bills and everything that needs thought. You feel a weight on your back, receive no thanks, and are exhausted while the other person is rested.

Why do I attract partners who take advantage of me?

When you buy love, balanced people feel bought, while takers feel very comfortable. In representations, the roots that emerged were ‘I do not deserve it’, conditional love from the mother, fear of abandonment, duty, or being used to control.

How do I leave a toxic relationship?

Start with yourself: stop doing everything, set boundaries, share tasks and money, delegate what you can, ask what you receive in return, and work at the root — the relationship with the mother, father, and inner child. If necessary, have the courage to leave. If there is violence or threats, call 112 or the Romanian helpline at 0800 500 333 and seek help from a psychologist and lawyer.

Is it my fault that I ended up supporting my partner?

It is not about blame. Most often it is not a conscious choice: we were conditioned this way through the model at home and the lineage. But changing the pattern is your responsibility, because the other person will not come along to change it themselves.

Can men be in this situation too?

Yes. These themes do not belong only to women. The livestream concerned women supporting men and is not a judgment about all men, but the patterns — ‘I do not deserve it’, fear of abandonment, duty — can exist in any of us, to a greater or lesser degree.

You deserve to receive, not only give. Today, look at a single thing you do in the other person’s place, and ease off. Sending you a kiss, and I look forward to seeing you at the next livestream.